“It takes only two to three seconds to become helpless in flowing grain.”

An illustration on grain engulfment hazard

Listen closely, I don’t have much time before he finds me. Danny is a spy for The Machines. Hard to believe, I know, but hidden under that Mediterranean meatsuit is an artificial intelligence intent on infiltrating every aspect of human life!

I’ve been tracking him for some time, he learned how to blend in as a human on the streets of Madrid, and spent his early years learning how to communicate with and understand as many of us as possible, while also developing loose ties to the Catalan Independence Movement. He now knows 6 languages, so watch what you say!

Next up was finding out how much we know about his machine masters, so he undertook a degree in IT at the University of Reading, where he realised humankind have barely scratched the surface. Keen to dig further into the weaknesses of humanity, he founded a small cult dedicated to a poultry-themed deity. Once this got sufficiently out of hand, he abandoned his flock in favour of infiltrating the fashion industry, working as a model in London; a more dapper machine-spy you never shall find. Picking up the thread of the artistic, he got in at the ground floor of the English National Opera, his inhuman efficiency earning him a promotion to team leader within just 2 months!

Having compromised politics, technology, religion, fashion, and the cultural arts, he turned his dead robotic eyes to the glittering spires of digital analytics. Impressed by his wealth of experience and technical skills, we here at Merkle | Periscopix eagerly welcomed him to the fold. His true nature rapidly became apparent, finding our rigorous training regimen too easy. Happy to feed his thirst for knowledge, we heaped additional training on fast, then watched in awe as he mastered Regex and SQL in just one day, and powered through Tealium and Adobe Analytics certifications at an unprecedented rate!

Danny is now one of our preeminent Adobe Analytics experts, and can be found at the forefront of our most complex implementation projects. Be wary, however, it won’t be long before his sinister purpose reveals itself. Now run, before he finds you!